Updates

2007-08-06T14:29:00.000-07:00

We've been fundraising up a storm, and are thrilled that our friend Chris has decided to have a fundraiser for our adoption, sponsored by his clothing company, Lindland's Cordarounds. It's going great -- better than we could have imagined -- so far, and between that, our garage sale (with lots of stuff donated by friends), freelance work, our Cajun food fest party, and of course saving all we can, we're about 80% of the way to having what we need for fees and expenses.

In terms of adoption status and timeline: we're finished the homestudy, we've gotten all of our paperwork in, and have received the necessary approval to bring an orphan into the country. With our forms currently in transit to Viet nam, now it is time to wait and get our home baby-ready. It could be from six months to a year or more before we have our child, and we're thrilled to be so close... finally!

Adoption FAQ

2007-06-30T20:15:00.000-07:00

Q. What's up with this adoption fad anyway?
Q. So why are you adopting?
Q. Why a baby? Aren't there plenty of older kids who need to be adopted first?
Q. That explains the older and special needs kids, but why not adopt a baby from the USA?
Q. So you're willing to handle any challenges that come from being part of a multi-racial family?
Q. Why Vietnam?
Q. Well why not take all that money and use it to reduce poverty in Vietnam, instead of buying their children? How much does all this cost anyway?
Q. Why is it so expensive? I've heard that it's a lot cheaper to adopt in the USA.
Q. Well how do you plan to pay all that money?

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Q. What's up with this adoption fad anyway?

A. Adoption may appear to be a fad with all of the media coverage of celebrity adoptions. Perhaps for some people it is, but with all of the time, paperwork, and effort involved, that's probably a small minority. For many like us, it's the only option available for starting a family. We certainly gave it the old college try – from the old fashioned way to the latest and greatest fertility treatments – to no avail. But you know what? There's plenty of babies and kids out there that need parents as much as we want to be parents – so fad or not, we're adopting a baby from Vietnam.

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Q. So why are you adopting?

A. There are so many factors to consider after making the decision to adopt: Domestic or international? If domestic, should we adopt through a private agency, independently, through the state, or foster-to-adopt? Open, semi-open, or closed? If international, what country? Are we willing to care for a special needs child? If so, correctable, non-correctable, or a minor correctable issue? Are we able to handle the potential emotional, developmental, or attachment issues that will very likely be present if we adopt an older child? Would a child of a different race than ours be accepted into our family, extended family, and community? If so, are we willing to put in the effort to maintain or teach our child about his or her heritage? How would we handle being stared at by some people? What about questions and comments from strangers about our mixed-race family, whether positive, negative, or just curious? How will we prepare and protect our child from these stares and questions?

This is where the soul-searching begins – along with reading; talking to people who've adopted, as well as adult adoptees; researching on the internets; getting feedback from family and friends; talking to adoption professionals; keeping an open mind and following our hearts and gut feelings. A lot of preconceived notions of what one might think fly right out the window. Initial answers to many questions might change completely, and opinions may change dramatically. We had to examine our lifestyle; our vision of what our family will be like (and look like); what issues we are prepared to handle and what we are not prepared to handle. (Although throughout this whole family-making process, we've found we can handle far, far more than we would have imagined!) And, of course, and perhaps most importantly, we had to imagine what life in our family would be like from our child's perspective.

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Q. Why a baby? Aren't there plenty of older kids who need to be adopted first?

A. Many people argue that there are so many older children and special needs children available for adoption that it is selfish of a family who is adopting not to adopt those children. It is not as simple as that.

We didn't choose to be infertile. People who are fertile are usually not judged by their friends, family, and random strangers for not adopting one of the older, or abused, or special needs children – with or without severe emotional issues – rather than planning to become pregnant and giving birth. Instead, the forthcoming birth is met with congratulations. Yet for some reason we who adopt are not too infrequently judged and chided for not taking one of these parentless children already in America. The fact of the matter is, we are not trying to save the world – though we are hoping to make it a little better – we are trying to start a family. And in order to do so we will have gone through our savings, completed mountains of paperwork, had every aspect of our personal lives and pasts questioned and investigated. And, hey, we're the good guys here!

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Q. That explains the older and special needs kids, but why not adopt a baby from the USA?

A. For us, it was this: For the past four years we've been on the infertility rollercoaster. We've experienced a lot of heartbreak, uncertainty, fear, emotional highs and lows, miscarriages, and lots of shots, medical tests and procedures.

At this point we just don't want to face the possibility that the birthmother will change her mind, either during her pregnancy or before relinquishing custody, which with domestic adoption occurs approximately 20-30% of the time. Don't get us wrong—this is often the best possible thing for the mother and child. It's just that after the years of uncertainty and disappointment, we just don't want to set ourselves up to be in that position again. Another thing we were concerned about with domestic adoption was the lack of predictable timelines. It could take three months; it could take six years. Again, we are scared of having to face so much uncertainty yet again.

With international adoption, many countries have solid adoption programs in place. The birthparents have relinquished custody, and the children are living in institutions (orphanages) or private foster care and are waiting to be adopted. We feel more comfortable knowing that there is much less likelihood of a disrupted adoption. Timelines, though they still can fluctuate, seem to be more predictable with international adoption. We are trying to adopt a healthy child less than a year old, and the wait times and process are much more predictable and transparent in international adoption.

After educating ourselves as much as possible, doing a lot of thinking, talking with each other, and being honest with ourselves, we eventually came to the decision that this is the best option for us.

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Q. So you think you can handle being part of a multi-racial family?

A. Living in a very diverse community, we feel that our child will have the opportunity to have many peers and role models to help mold his or her sense of cultural identity and self-confidence. We are enthusiastically willing to take on the challenges of being part of an interracial family, and to help our child not only learn about her own culture of birth, but diversity and appreciation of many varieties of culture and lifestyles.

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Q. Why Vietnam?

A. There are a number of factors that led us to Vietnam. The level of care and attention provided to the children is excellent, and the caretaker to child ratio is often 1:2 or 1:3. Though medical treatment and facilities are fairly primitive, the caretakers are devoted to the children in their charge. This high-level of care, love, and attention is critically important in preventing or minimizing developmental delays or issues, and reducing the likelihood of attachment disorders that could surface later in the child's life.

Sadly, because there is money involved in adoption, there are always those willing to take advantage of that in any way possible. That is why the most important step in the whole process is finding reputable, knowledgeable, stable, and morally upstanding agencies to work with. We wanted to adopt from a country, a program, and an agency in which we felt very secure that there was absolutely minimal chance that we could be unwittingly involved in human trafficking or child exploitation. Vietnam recently reopened its program in June 2005 -- it had been closed since 2003 so they could evaluate the adoption system and the problems they were having with corrupt agencies or officials, fraud, money-gouging, and human trafficking. Compared to what is going on with some other countries’ programs right now, we feel comfortable with their new program and the direction it is heading. Just in March, Vietnam added a new law requiring more information about the relinquished child’s birthmother/birthparents to avoid the potential for human trafficking, kidnapping, etc.

Also, drug and alcohol abuse by Vietnamese women is fairly low compared to some countries with adoption programs, therefore minimizing the possibility of adopting a child with fetal-alcohol syndrome. Most of the children are given up because of widespread extreme poverty and the inability of the mothers, families, and communities to care for the children.

Compared to other countries which have adoption programs at this time and that share these attributes, Vietnam’s program is a little less expensive. We have already used up all of our savings and a good deal of our families' money on expensive medical treatments, so this is a big consideration. Also, we only have to take one trip to Vietnam during the adoption process (it’s two trips in many countries’ programs), and the time spent in-country is not too out of control. (Kazakhstan can be 6 to 9 weeks or even more! And as much as we both love to travel, we’d much rather spend our maternity/paternity leave at home bonding with our child rather than waiting for a court date without him or her.) Also, Vietnam is a place that is relatively easy to get to (compared to Kazakhstan or Ethiopia for example), so it will be much easier for us to take our son or daughter to visit the homeland as he or she gets older.

The more we learn about Vietnam the more fascinating the culture and history becomes. Add to that the effects of what the Vietnamese call “The American War”, and we feel that the US and Vietnam already have a strangely intertwined relationship, for better or for worse. It seems to us that we are doing some bit of good to help make amends for our past activity over there -- to make things a little better, to spread their culture a little farther and wider.

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Q. Well why not take all that money and use it to reduce poverty in Vietnam, instead of buying their children? How much does all this cost anyway?

A. About $30,000. When that amount money is involved, corruption and fraud are pretty much inevitable. There's really no way to effectively put that money into the hands of the people without creating dependency, falsely inflating the economy, or enabling more corruption, scams, and fraud. Fortunately, a large chunk of that amount is a donation to the orphanages the adoption agency works with.

And at the end of the day, our $30K is not going to be a solution to poverty on any large scale; but it can be used to prevent one child from relinquishing in institutionalized care, but instead having the family they want, need, and deserve.

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Q. Why is it so expensive? I've heard that it's a lot cheaper to adopt in the USA.

A. It is very expensive, and believe it or not that number represents one of the lesser expensive options we could find in the state of California, though our agency decision was not based solely on cost. In fact most programs have similar costs for the same countries.

Some of the money goes to the home study agency -- the agency that assists in the background checks, social worker visits, and applying to our government for permission to adopt -- for their services, classes, and expertise. Some goes to government agencies for necessary form filing fees, some goes to the placement agency for their services in the US, their services and liaison services abroad, document translations, and overall expertise with the country’s program. There are many people involved here and afar to facilitate a smooth and transparent process. Around $4-5,000 is just for our travel and lodging costs in Vietnam -- and that's the only part we have any control over! But most importantly, several thousand dollars from every adoption goes to humanitarian causes within Vietnam, some of which certainly goes to the orphanages and care of the children.

It's not necessarily cheaper in the US -- at least not for infants. Adopting a child through the foster care system for example is far less expensive, but that has its own set of issues. Having a very good friends with four children adopted through the foster care system, we have watched her and her husband go through years of court battles with a drug- and alcohol-addicted birthmother whose main concern was getting her hands on the money the child had inherited from his deceased father. We've watched them raise these wonderful children, most of whom have experienced huge developmental delays and issues stemming from a lifetime of abuse and neglect. We applaud them for their love and dedication, but it's something that we cannot afford and are not prepared to deal with.

And FYI, the cost of childbirth in the US can range can range from $10,000 to $60,000, or a lot more if there are complications. But a majority of that cost is covered by most people's insurance plans!!

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Q. Well how do you plan to pay all that money?

A. With the support of our family and friends, hopefully a grant or two, some frequent flyer miles, and with fundraisers. If you're reading this FAQ you probably got here via one of our fundraising efforts. Of course we are saving as much money as we can and reducing our living expenses where we can -- without completely depriving ourselves.

Every little bit helps, and it all goes into the adoption savings account. At the time of writing this we still hope to raise $8,000 through fundraisers and donations in order to avoid having to get a loan to complete the process.

Fun with infertility: our attempt to start a family

2007-04-06T14:49:00.000-07:00

In a nutshell, my diagnosis for infertility:

I originally couldn't get pregnant naturally due to severe endometriosis, so bad that it worked like superglue, sticking all my womanly parts (the inside ones) together, and the ovary couldn't get the egg to the fallopian tube. I was told I had a 1-2% chance of getting pregnant naturally.

That was while I still had tubes. After an HSG showed that I had hydrosalpinges in my tubes, the tubes were removed, leaving me with 0% chance of getting pregnant. Yet people still tell me that now that we're adopting, I'm going to suddenly get pregnant, because that's what happened to their best friend's acupuncturist's dog trainer's cousin once-removed. But without divine intervention, or some sprites mending my tubes, believe me when I say that is just not going to happen.

So five surgeries (for endo-related problems, cysts, tube removals, and uterine fibroids), four IVFs, and two early miscarriages later, we were emotionally, physically, and financially stretched way beyond our limits and more than ready to move on. I never wanted to do IVF again and was ready to face a whole new learning curve, set of problems, and whatever else we have to face. We've made it over so many hurdles now, and we can't wait to add to our family through adoption.

Bringing Home Baby

Updates

Adoption FAQ

Fun with infertility: our attempt to start a family